Reasons I Was Kicked Out Of Hogwarts
by thraxbaby
Summary: Funny list of things not to do when attending Hogwarts. Can span throughout the whole series.


**Funny little fic I thought of randomly. Hope you like it!**

Hi, I'm Thraxbaby. I got expelled from Hogwarts because of, well, a lot of reasons. Here is my guide to you so that you don't do what I did.

Thraxbaby's Guide To Hogwarts:

1. Don't sing "We're Off To See The Wizard" every time you're sent to Dumbledore's office.

2. Don't call Professor Flitwick a munchkin and offer him a lollypop.

3. Apparently, Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".

4. Do not ask Draco's dad why he carries a pimp cane.

5. Do not ask Hermione if you can fry up Crookshanks, no matter how much it looks like a pig.

6. Do not refer to the Death Eaters as the KKK.

7. Do not eat Jelly Slugs in front of Ron Weasley. He doesn't like it for some reason...

8. Do not Photoshop Professor Snape into a Playboy poster. Just because you think he looks good on a girl's body, doesn't mean he thinks the same way.

9. Sirius is NOT related to Jacob, so don't ask about his family in Forks.

10. Don't confuse Crabbe and/or Goyle by putting them in a round room and telling them to pee in the corner.

11. Don't tell Voldemort he "needs to get laid."

12. Do not throw water on Bellatrix Lestrange. She doesn't melt.

13. Don't ask if a house fell on her sister.

14. Don't exorcize the House ghosts.

15. Don't tell first year Hufflepuffs that Beetlejuice is one of them.

16. Do not tell Hagrid that Pokémon are real, hoping for a class looking for them.

17. Don't bring a tazer to his class, jump out behind a bush, and yell, "Piiiikaaachuuuu!!!!"

18. Don't imitate Steve Irwin in his class.

19. Don't taunt Cho Chang by showing her a picture of Edward Cullen and Bella Swan and telling her, "He didn't die, he moved on."

20. Do not go into Professor Snape's rooms, no matter how badly you want to know what kind of underwear he wears.

21. Don't sell Harry Potter's underwear on eBay. For some reason, he still needs them.

22. Don't try to get extra credit in Professor McGonagall's class by bribing her with catnip.

23. Don't sing "Barbie Girl" around Draco Malfoy.

24. Don't ask Snape if he knows Alan Rickman.

25. Voldemort is not Hitler's reincarnation.

26. Wormtail is not Mickey Mouse's evil twin.

27. The "Elder Swear" will not get you extra credit in Charms class.

28. Expired gorilla's milk is not a Potions ingredient.

29. Don't replace Lupin's chocolate with laxatives.

30. Don't ask if he carries chocolate for his "time of the month."

31. Don't tell Voldemort to "get that wand out of his butt."

32. Don't charm Snape to strip and sing "I'm Too Sexy" during dinner. He knows spells you can't possibly imagine.

33. Taking a picture of a dog chasing a cat and telling everyone that Sirius has a thing for McGonagall is a one-way ticket to detention.

34. Don't smoke a pipe and respond to each point Professor Snape makes by waving it and saying, "Quite right, old bean!"

35. Don't hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY" in Snape's class.

36. Don't tell the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.

37. Don't Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of a lecture.

38. Don't present Professor Lockhart with a large fruit basket, saying, "Fruits for a fruit."

39. Don't charm Snape to wear a cape with a big S on it and inform classmates that the S stands for "Super Snape".

40. Don't ask Kingsley if he's Jamaican "beacuse Jamaican me crazy!"

41. Don't sing "Secret Agent Man" every time Snape walks by.

42. Don't bring a pillow to class, fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes then wake up, say ``oh geez, better get cracking'' and do some gibberish work.

43. Don't clap twice rapidly and when Snape asks why, tell him, ``The light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!''

44. When McGonagall asks you a question, don't scream 'WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?!' and then after a few minutes complain how you weren't called on to answer a question.

45. Don't make paper airplanes out of your O.W.L. and don't aim it at Umbridge's left nostril.

46. Don't answer all your charms homework with 42, sea turtles, or duct tape as the answers.

47. Don't draw a picture of your teachers as pin-up models.

48. After Slughorn explains something, don't laugh really loud and say "Oh, now I get it!"

49. Don't point to the Dark Mark in the sky and shout "To the Batmobile, Robin!"

50. Finally, don't point to Harry Potter's scar and ask if his Voldy senses are tingling.

**A.N.: Hope you liked it! I got a few of these from some websites and my 8th grade history teacher told us about #10.**


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